Monday 14th
I had a 2:30 appointment at Ohio State's Eye clinic that didn't finish until almost 6. (The clinic closes at 4:30.) I wound up with a needle stuck in my left eye to relieve pressure and to administer some drugs into it. They're trying to schedule surgery on my right eye to remove the debris from an exploded capillary that's partially blocking the optic nerve, but can't operate until I get clearance from my cardiologist on the 23rd. I'm holding my breath until this Thursday to see if everyone got the word that I extended the lease a month on the car, since no one will finance it. I know one thing, I can't afford a cab to see Dr. "heart", last time it was over $135 round trip, so I need the damned car.
The pits is that if I do have the knee surgery, I won't be able to drive it afterward with the contraptions they'll have sticking out of my leg. On the other hand, if I let the car go, I'll never be able to get financing on another one, so I've got to find a way to keep this one-no matter what.
Wednesday 16th
Yesterday was the pits, and Dr. "Mind" only confirmed it today at our session. As Thursday is now only a matter of hours away, I'm showing more and more psychosomatic symptoms. I went the whole day yesterday with a burning sensation in the top of my throat as if I were about to throw up or about to burp. I actually walked around with a garbage bag in case I couldn't make it to the bathroom in time to throw up. At the same time I still had an appetite. I've been fighting off wanting to sleep all the time (classic symptom) and I'm having nightmares of the attack again.
The guy she wanted me to get in touch with about possibilities for my car, still hasn't called, and frankly I'm weary of hoping. I drove out to a restaurant supplier place and then Wal-Mart and stocked up on supplies in case someone shows up with a tow truck to steal the car, that didn't get notified that I paid a month's extension.
Tomorrows, I'm going to offer to send them the $1,500 I was going to use on the down payment to try to get them to let me lease it for another 6 months.
They can still refuse it, take the car, and refund me the $299.83 I paid last Friday.
I'm going to fight to stay awake tonight. I've been avoiding sleep anyway because of dreams of suicide that usually end with me screaming my head off and bothering my neighbors...
Thursday 17th:
I've dreaded this day. I really thought (convinced) that if I offered them $1,500 in cash up front, that they'd let me keep my car an additional five months. Instead they've said that the deal is already done to sell the car to an auto auction.
That's it, there's no other options left. Even if I didn't love the car, I can't get financing, even for some junker that'd probably fall apart six months after I bought it.
I seem a little less scared of death today...
I dumped a glass of tea into my keyboard and ruined it and the mouse. Just got home from buying new ones from money I can't afford. With the new tire I had to buy on a car I'm only going to have until August 17th, and having to buy license plates for a year, it pretty much taps me out. Nothing has gone right today. Dr "Mind" wants me to spend a night or possibly a weekend in a rubber room under observation...
Friday 18th
Last night was one of the worst nightmares I've had in my life... and that's saying something. It was a flashback dream of the robbery/beating, only I knew what I'd go through after they finished with me, so just as they were about to run off, leaving me bleeding and knowing the ordeal I've been going through since that night, I grabbed the gun out of the middle guy's hand. They froze and before they could take it away from me, I put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger.
I woke up screaming my head off. Over the last four years, when these dreams started, I avoided sleep, forcing myself to stay awake until I'd pass out from exhaustion.
Saturday 19th
I woke up this morning from a nightmare where my attackers threw me in an old pizza oven and I fought to find a surface that didn't burn me. I woke up screaming again.
The reason for the nightmare was obvious the moment I regained my wits... I suppose it was due, and I almost asked myself why now God? Why now? Sometime during the night, my central air conditioning compressor died, and it was 95 in here. No repairman until next Tuesday at the earliest.
I tried shutting it down in case it just froze up and needed to thaw, but that didn't help. I opened the sliding glass doors and turned on my kitchen and bathroom exhaust fans, but it's as hot outside as it inside and the humidity is a killer. Fortunately I can take a cool shower for a brief relief, but poor Mischief is suffering in her fur coat... At least she could fit in the refrigerator, not that I'd dare try.
Last February when I was denied my Cymbalta, I went into a three day rage and trashed my apartment. Now, with only three chambers of my heart working, I haven't been able to clean for over six months... that and I'm irrationally afraid to take my trash to the dumpster or venture out my apartment door after dark. When they redid the elevator last fall, the health department said the garbage chute/compactor room was too close to the elevator shaft and closed it down. Food trash goes down the garbage disposal, but the paper trash and empty pop cans have been accumulating since then, and I'm too proud and too scared of strangers to hire a professional company to come out and do it, and wouldn't have the money either.
I swear, God is testing me. Although I've been resisting it, I may have to call Dr. "mind" and reserve a rubber room over the weekend after all. I must really be strong to have not killed myself yet.
I don't feel strong. As the frustration is building, my eyes are burning, but the tears won't come to give me release. When I was a kid, I'd get a beating from my father if I cried... so it's really hard-damned near impossible to cry, especially when I need the release.+
I drove out to Wal-Mart and Kroger's and picked up my presciptions for July. It was a debate on whether I'd go with the top down or up. Knowing how much gas I'd use running the A/C I went with Down. I'm shocked I didn't get a ticket trying to work up a "wind-chill factor"
I bought a new lottery ticket; since the lotto started back in the 80s, I've always played the exact same bet 2-5-9-14-16 22. My eyes are so bad that I filled the card and didn't realize until I got home that I'd inadvertently filled it out right except the last number-which is now 20 for the next 10 Megamillions drawings. Par for the course. Mega millions is 120 million on Tuesday... yeah right
I'm tempted to sleep in my car tonight with the A/C on. How ridiculous is that?
I haven't killed myself yet because I'm too much of a coward.
I had a 2:30 appointment at Ohio State's Eye clinic that didn't finish until almost 6. (The clinic closes at 4:30.) I wound up with a needle stuck in my left eye to relieve pressure and to administer some drugs into it. They're trying to schedule surgery on my right eye to remove the debris from an exploded capillary that's partially blocking the optic nerve, but can't operate until I get clearance from my cardiologist on the 23rd. I'm holding my breath until this Thursday to see if everyone got the word that I extended the lease a month on the car, since no one will finance it. I know one thing, I can't afford a cab to see Dr. "heart", last time it was over $135 round trip, so I need the damned car.
The pits is that if I do have the knee surgery, I won't be able to drive it afterward with the contraptions they'll have sticking out of my leg. On the other hand, if I let the car go, I'll never be able to get financing on another one, so I've got to find a way to keep this one-no matter what.
Wednesday 16th
Yesterday was the pits, and Dr. "Mind" only confirmed it today at our session. As Thursday is now only a matter of hours away, I'm showing more and more psychosomatic symptoms. I went the whole day yesterday with a burning sensation in the top of my throat as if I were about to throw up or about to burp. I actually walked around with a garbage bag in case I couldn't make it to the bathroom in time to throw up. At the same time I still had an appetite. I've been fighting off wanting to sleep all the time (classic symptom) and I'm having nightmares of the attack again.
The guy she wanted me to get in touch with about possibilities for my car, still hasn't called, and frankly I'm weary of hoping. I drove out to a restaurant supplier place and then Wal-Mart and stocked up on supplies in case someone shows up with a tow truck to steal the car, that didn't get notified that I paid a month's extension.
Tomorrows, I'm going to offer to send them the $1,500 I was going to use on the down payment to try to get them to let me lease it for another 6 months.
They can still refuse it, take the car, and refund me the $299.83 I paid last Friday.
I'm going to fight to stay awake tonight. I've been avoiding sleep anyway because of dreams of suicide that usually end with me screaming my head off and bothering my neighbors...
Thursday 17th:
I've dreaded this day. I really thought (convinced) that if I offered them $1,500 in cash up front, that they'd let me keep my car an additional five months. Instead they've said that the deal is already done to sell the car to an auto auction.
That's it, there's no other options left. Even if I didn't love the car, I can't get financing, even for some junker that'd probably fall apart six months after I bought it.
I seem a little less scared of death today...
I dumped a glass of tea into my keyboard and ruined it and the mouse. Just got home from buying new ones from money I can't afford. With the new tire I had to buy on a car I'm only going to have until August 17th, and having to buy license plates for a year, it pretty much taps me out. Nothing has gone right today. Dr "Mind" wants me to spend a night or possibly a weekend in a rubber room under observation...
Friday 18th
Last night was one of the worst nightmares I've had in my life... and that's saying something. It was a flashback dream of the robbery/beating, only I knew what I'd go through after they finished with me, so just as they were about to run off, leaving me bleeding and knowing the ordeal I've been going through since that night, I grabbed the gun out of the middle guy's hand. They froze and before they could take it away from me, I put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger.
I woke up screaming my head off. Over the last four years, when these dreams started, I avoided sleep, forcing myself to stay awake until I'd pass out from exhaustion.
Saturday 19th
I woke up this morning from a nightmare where my attackers threw me in an old pizza oven and I fought to find a surface that didn't burn me. I woke up screaming again.
The reason for the nightmare was obvious the moment I regained my wits... I suppose it was due, and I almost asked myself why now God? Why now? Sometime during the night, my central air conditioning compressor died, and it was 95 in here. No repairman until next Tuesday at the earliest.
I tried shutting it down in case it just froze up and needed to thaw, but that didn't help. I opened the sliding glass doors and turned on my kitchen and bathroom exhaust fans, but it's as hot outside as it inside and the humidity is a killer. Fortunately I can take a cool shower for a brief relief, but poor Mischief is suffering in her fur coat... At least she could fit in the refrigerator, not that I'd dare try.
Last February when I was denied my Cymbalta, I went into a three day rage and trashed my apartment. Now, with only three chambers of my heart working, I haven't been able to clean for over six months... that and I'm irrationally afraid to take my trash to the dumpster or venture out my apartment door after dark. When they redid the elevator last fall, the health department said the garbage chute/compactor room was too close to the elevator shaft and closed it down. Food trash goes down the garbage disposal, but the paper trash and empty pop cans have been accumulating since then, and I'm too proud and too scared of strangers to hire a professional company to come out and do it, and wouldn't have the money either.
I swear, God is testing me. Although I've been resisting it, I may have to call Dr. "mind" and reserve a rubber room over the weekend after all. I must really be strong to have not killed myself yet.
I don't feel strong. As the frustration is building, my eyes are burning, but the tears won't come to give me release. When I was a kid, I'd get a beating from my father if I cried... so it's really hard-damned near impossible to cry, especially when I need the release.+
I drove out to Wal-Mart and Kroger's and picked up my presciptions for July. It was a debate on whether I'd go with the top down or up. Knowing how much gas I'd use running the A/C I went with Down. I'm shocked I didn't get a ticket trying to work up a "wind-chill factor"
I bought a new lottery ticket; since the lotto started back in the 80s, I've always played the exact same bet 2-5-9-14-16 22. My eyes are so bad that I filled the card and didn't realize until I got home that I'd inadvertently filled it out right except the last number-which is now 20 for the next 10 Megamillions drawings. Par for the course. Mega millions is 120 million on Tuesday... yeah right
I'm tempted to sleep in my car tonight with the A/C on. How ridiculous is that?
I haven't killed myself yet because I'm too much of a coward.
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