Friday August 1, 2008st
After the events of this afternoon, I'm seriously tempted to change the title back. Hunting*** Bank called demanding that I turn in the car-no one got the paperwork saying I got the lease extended till the 17th. They found record of the money I paid to extend it on their crazy computer, so I guess I'm safe. It hurt like hell though because I thought we had that all straightened out and I'd pretty much settled with the idea that I was going to lose the car in two weeks.
Then this call came and I thought that one of the dozen or so people I'd talked to either changed their minds after reviewing my perfect 5-year payment record, and decided to approve the loan.
After I got the lease extension confirmed, I started getting bounced around to supervisors who wanted to know my situation, and the last one I talked to said I could have the car till the end of August, and he would look into a loan. I am not enjoying telling my "tale of whoa" over and over and over and over. I'm seriously considering putting it on a little tape recorder and just playing it over the phone for them while I sit here playing solitaire on the computer.
Dare I keep my hopes up?
The one thing that keeps me going is my interaction with my readers over at BlogCritics. Now there seems to be a glitch that prevents me from logging onto the site unless I have Firefox.
God continuously finds new ways to test me... if he even exists, he's a very cruel and unfeeling fellow.
Monday August 4th
Dr. Mind wants me to try to concentrate on killing off my attackers when I go into a flashback or nightmare. So far that isn't working, it usually ends with me getting killed by the cops for killing my killers.
The nightmares have started coming back again, sometimes I'm awake until 5-6 in the morning trying to avoid sleep. That means only being exhausted during the daylight when I have to hit stores before they close, and I still can't go out after dark.
Tuesday August 6th.
No call from the guy at Hunting*** Bank. No news is probably good news. I don't know why I let myself get my hopes up. Maybe after I see Dr. Mind tomorrow, I can cruise around with the top down to brighten my spirits. My "Weekly Disaster" hasn't hit yet... maybe that's a good sign.
GB hasn't called back, so I called Dr Knee and Dr. Eyes today to see if they'd heard from Dr. Heart. Dr. Heart's office confirmed they mailed out the necessary medical releases on the 23rd, so now I'm stumped as to what to do. GB could use it as an excuse to cut me off financially because I can't seem to get an appointment for either operation.
The depression and the Cymbalta seem to have made me callous to any emotion, I don't even feel bad that I've been enduring this alone any more. I didn't used to be like this, I was a fighter, and always found a "way out" of trouble. The last four years, I've stretched that talent to the limit, but it gets harder and harder to come up with solutions to what seems to be insurmountable until it actually happens.
Suicide is never far from my thoughts, and I hate that, it's not the planning out to do it, it's the constant thought that it's an option...
Thursday Aug 7th.
I spent the day yesterday driving around with the top down. I consolidated all my errands into one big trip and started buying supplies for the future when I won't be able to get around after the leg surgery.
They still haven't called about my leg yet.
Ohio State called at noon to tell me that my eye surgery is on Monday at 6AM. They have to call back and let me know about getting off of the Plavix. I still haven't heard from the guy at Hunting*** Bank, so I'll give him till 3 before I call him. I feel like a fool for getting my hopes up, but what else do I have?
Thursday Aug 8th.
Ohio State called to remind me about my surgery on Monday, now I have to be there at 5:30AM-Yikes.
Saturday Aug 9th.
Actually it's Sunday morning... 1 in the morning to be exact. With every passing day, with every passing hour I feel more and more alone. This is how I lost so many friends in four years, nobody wanted to watch me slip from success to disaster. They all suffered from "There but for the grace of god go I" syndrome.
I've got to drag myself out of bed, probably just after I fall asleep, to be at OSU for my eye operation at 5AM. Uhg.
This isn't the ordinary laser surgery, this is in an operating room, with all the fun drugs, a device to keep my eye open while they cut into it and that's followed by the laser to cauterize the leaking blood vessels.
Cross your fingers for me...
Monday Aug 11th.
Dragged myself out of bed around 4 this morning and put my clothes in three washers down in the laundry room, 45 minutes later I discovered that neither dryer was working-and the pre-operative screening for my eye surgery was in 35 minutes-so I went in the cab to the hospital in dripping wet clothes because there was nothing else to wear.
The operation went okay, though I won't know the results until the eye patch comes off tomorrow.
Got my mail and a magnifying glass and discovered one of those "tear this side, then this side, and that side to open letter" deals from Hunting*** Bank and was happy as hell that something was finally going right, because this wasn't their usual correspondence letter envelope, and the last one I got that looked like this was for the notice of first payment due on the lease on the car five years ago.
It was a bank collection department notice, they were threatening a collection/repo against me because my first car payment was due and I hadn't paid it. I had hopes that maybe the guy from Hunting*** that I talked to week before last actually got it approved as promised... until I saw the full letter...
Past due amount (are you ready for this?)$0.00 Late charge due $0.00. Some dumbass computer decided to play a nice dirty little joke on me. I called them just the same to see if it was a valid account number that I could pay on, but no luck, and the guy I talked to a week before last wouldn't be in his office until 8PM tonight.?.
I'd just gotten my hopes up about that car, then I'd finally settled myself with inevitably losing it at the end of the month, only to have my hopes raised and then dashed in the same letter.
Fuck it all to hell damn it.
After the events of this afternoon, I'm seriously tempted to change the title back. Hunting*** Bank called demanding that I turn in the car-no one got the paperwork saying I got the lease extended till the 17th. They found record of the money I paid to extend it on their crazy computer, so I guess I'm safe. It hurt like hell though because I thought we had that all straightened out and I'd pretty much settled with the idea that I was going to lose the car in two weeks.
Then this call came and I thought that one of the dozen or so people I'd talked to either changed their minds after reviewing my perfect 5-year payment record, and decided to approve the loan.
After I got the lease extension confirmed, I started getting bounced around to supervisors who wanted to know my situation, and the last one I talked to said I could have the car till the end of August, and he would look into a loan. I am not enjoying telling my "tale of whoa" over and over and over and over. I'm seriously considering putting it on a little tape recorder and just playing it over the phone for them while I sit here playing solitaire on the computer.
Dare I keep my hopes up?
The one thing that keeps me going is my interaction with my readers over at BlogCritics. Now there seems to be a glitch that prevents me from logging onto the site unless I have Firefox.
God continuously finds new ways to test me... if he even exists, he's a very cruel and unfeeling fellow.
Monday August 4th
Dr. Mind wants me to try to concentrate on killing off my attackers when I go into a flashback or nightmare. So far that isn't working, it usually ends with me getting killed by the cops for killing my killers.
The nightmares have started coming back again, sometimes I'm awake until 5-6 in the morning trying to avoid sleep. That means only being exhausted during the daylight when I have to hit stores before they close, and I still can't go out after dark.
Tuesday August 6th.
No call from the guy at Hunting*** Bank. No news is probably good news. I don't know why I let myself get my hopes up. Maybe after I see Dr. Mind tomorrow, I can cruise around with the top down to brighten my spirits. My "Weekly Disaster" hasn't hit yet... maybe that's a good sign.
GB hasn't called back, so I called Dr Knee and Dr. Eyes today to see if they'd heard from Dr. Heart. Dr. Heart's office confirmed they mailed out the necessary medical releases on the 23rd, so now I'm stumped as to what to do. GB could use it as an excuse to cut me off financially because I can't seem to get an appointment for either operation.
The depression and the Cymbalta seem to have made me callous to any emotion, I don't even feel bad that I've been enduring this alone any more. I didn't used to be like this, I was a fighter, and always found a "way out" of trouble. The last four years, I've stretched that talent to the limit, but it gets harder and harder to come up with solutions to what seems to be insurmountable until it actually happens.
Suicide is never far from my thoughts, and I hate that, it's not the planning out to do it, it's the constant thought that it's an option...
Thursday Aug 7th.
I spent the day yesterday driving around with the top down. I consolidated all my errands into one big trip and started buying supplies for the future when I won't be able to get around after the leg surgery.
They still haven't called about my leg yet.
Ohio State called at noon to tell me that my eye surgery is on Monday at 6AM. They have to call back and let me know about getting off of the Plavix. I still haven't heard from the guy at Hunting*** Bank, so I'll give him till 3 before I call him. I feel like a fool for getting my hopes up, but what else do I have?
Thursday Aug 8th.
Ohio State called to remind me about my surgery on Monday, now I have to be there at 5:30AM-Yikes.
Saturday Aug 9th.
Actually it's Sunday morning... 1 in the morning to be exact. With every passing day, with every passing hour I feel more and more alone. This is how I lost so many friends in four years, nobody wanted to watch me slip from success to disaster. They all suffered from "There but for the grace of god go I" syndrome.
I've got to drag myself out of bed, probably just after I fall asleep, to be at OSU for my eye operation at 5AM. Uhg.
This isn't the ordinary laser surgery, this is in an operating room, with all the fun drugs, a device to keep my eye open while they cut into it and that's followed by the laser to cauterize the leaking blood vessels.
Cross your fingers for me...
Monday Aug 11th.
Dragged myself out of bed around 4 this morning and put my clothes in three washers down in the laundry room, 45 minutes later I discovered that neither dryer was working-and the pre-operative screening for my eye surgery was in 35 minutes-so I went in the cab to the hospital in dripping wet clothes because there was nothing else to wear.
The operation went okay, though I won't know the results until the eye patch comes off tomorrow.
Got my mail and a magnifying glass and discovered one of those "tear this side, then this side, and that side to open letter" deals from Hunting*** Bank and was happy as hell that something was finally going right, because this wasn't their usual correspondence letter envelope, and the last one I got that looked like this was for the notice of first payment due on the lease on the car five years ago.
It was a bank collection department notice, they were threatening a collection/repo against me because my first car payment was due and I hadn't paid it. I had hopes that maybe the guy from Hunting*** that I talked to week before last actually got it approved as promised... until I saw the full letter...
Past due amount (are you ready for this?)$0.00 Late charge due $0.00. Some dumbass computer decided to play a nice dirty little joke on me. I called them just the same to see if it was a valid account number that I could pay on, but no luck, and the guy I talked to a week before last wouldn't be in his office until 8PM tonight.?.
I'd just gotten my hopes up about that car, then I'd finally settled myself with inevitably losing it at the end of the month, only to have my hopes raised and then dashed in the same letter.
Fuck it all to hell damn it.
Tuesday Aug 12th.
I got my daily harassing collection agency call from Hunting*** Bank again this morning, trying to collect $0.00 and a late fee of $0.00 which was due on my car July 17th, and after straightening it out and pointing it out, I was informed that a towing company was already hired to come and get it and take it to an auto auction, since I supposedly didn't make my first payment on the new loan that I was turned down for. Of course the caller warned me to go out and watch to make sure this screwy mix-up didn't cost me possession of my beautiful convertible... until their paperwork snafu was fixed.
This also meant that I was on hold for so long being transferred over and over, and explaining over and over, that I missed my follow-up eye appointment at Ohio State and had to reschedule it for tomorrow.
As if to add insult to injury, Social security called while I was on hold, to confirm how much I was getting from workman's comp, and they discovered that I was getting checks bi-weekly instead of monthly, which meant my yearly income was just shy of $900 more than they thought it was... all because GB tried to cut me off the beginning of this year because my heart attack Dec 28 of last year wasn't part of my "original injury".
While still on hold, just to add to the pressure my sanity was under, Franklin County called to say I had to bring all of my bank statements in to see if I was still eligible for their county Medicaid program. I'd been approved last year for it in July... but a computer screw-up meant I and about (200 other people) didn't know it until March of this year! On top of that even though I'm waaaaay under 65, because I'd gotten disability for a year and a half, I was now eligible for Social Security's Medicare... But I had to turn it down because the co-payments per month were over $400 for parts a,b,c & d.....
But no one told me that the County would pay those co-payments as long as I was eligible for medicaid. That means if the county turns me down on the 18th, I could lose half my disability checks (or more) per month to Medicare co-pays after the county stops paying them for me. Now that, I can't get out of until next January when the new annual paperwork is done!!!
Now... Hunting*** heartlessly is trying to say that I still might be approved for the loan-despite the bankruptcy, if I talk to some guy in underwriting. When they tried to transfer me to him, they lost me. When I called back, they couldn't find who I was talking to, which meant another half hour of explaining to person after person after person.
...thus the title of this blog. The hilarious part is it's not even noon yet. I'm tempted to go hide under my bed and take the phone off the hook
"Later that same afternoon as Batman pondered his next move..."
The guy from Hunting*** Bank called me and said they were re-evaluating my case, and while I was digesting whether that was good news or bad, he added that he never told me I could have the car till the end of the month and the 17th is this Sunday.
He cryptically said he'd let me know if there were any further developments. Call-waiting beeped and I was confronted with another woman from their collection department, who didn't want to hear any excuses and wanted to know why I hadn't made my promised first payment on the loan. I tried to explain to her the situation, and when she said she didn't want excuses, she either wanted a payment that was due, or the car back immediately.
I told her to check the amount overdue on her computer, which she obviously hadn't done and hung up on her. County welfare called to say they had to move my appointment up from next Monday the 18th to this Thursday morning. While I was digesting that Ohio State Eye clinic called and the doctor that operated on me yesterday said it was imperative that I get on the medication he would've prescribed today, before I saw him tomorrow. He said he'd call the prescription in to Kroger's pharmacy and I needed to get it right away.
I told him I didn't have anyone that could drive me there and he had me remove the eye patch...
To the right of my right eye's center of vision, I now have a black vertical band that I can't see around. I drove over and picked up my prescriptions and more insulin. I've been taking just barely enough to keep my sugar in control for the last couple of months so that if they cut me off again, with this purchase I have enough insulin to last me 3 months... if I'm careful.
So, I could lose the car Friday if they want it back before the weekend. Driving to pick up the prescriptions was agony, if it all falls through, and I somehow doubt it won't, tomorrow will be the last time I can drive the car with the top down on my way to see the OSU eye clinic, and Dr. "Mind".
The thought of killing myself next Monday is never from my mind. Everything depends on if the doctor tells me the vision thing is temporary, whether the county takes away my medical benefits and if someone comes and takes my car away.
My life used to be so good and carefree. Hope is a luxury that gets grabbed away from me when I reach for it. I wonder how much time I have left to keep trying...
Wednesday Aug 13.
Spent the morning at the eye clinic, they changed my prescription from the ones they prescribed only yesterday to new ones, and I'm supposed to go back in two weeks.
Dr. Mind is so worried about me that she had a colleague sit in on our session this afternoon that went 2 1/2 hours. I overheard him say that he's worried too that with the loss of my car, I'd kill myself. They want me to check in with them on Friday.
Drove over to Kroger's and (you had to have seen this coming) they said that the prescription wasn't covered by Medicare, Medicaid, Anthem blue shield or anything else so I couldn't get it.
Par for the course.
Thursday Aug 14.
I got a notice saying I had to do a face-to-face meeting with a county caseworker in order to retain their help with my heart medical expenses, at 10:30AM this morning. 10AM went down to my car and it wouldn't let me in without setting off the alarm. Just a little peccadillo it has, someone in our apt building has a cell phone on the frequency that resets the codes on my car alarm. I sat in it for about five very long minutes waiting for it to reset, then I turned the key to the "on" position and hit a button under my dashboard and disarmed it.
Barely got there on time, then waited nearly an hour. She wanted all kinds of financial records that I'd already provided for another case worker the beginning of this year, so I just took my bank statements. Bad move, now I have to go on line and find utility bills I didn't keep because everything is auto-pay out directly of my checking account.
I got home and found the phone ringing. Ohio State eye clinic called to say they were trying to get a "work around" on the prescription that the county won't cover on my medical card, So I expect (as warned earlier) to be in agony over my eye, because it feels like I have a nail stuck in it due to the fact that the stitches they put in it take about two weeks or more to dissolve.
My Allstate insurance agent called to ask if I was going to renew my policy, and I told him I didn't know if I'd have a car by next week. That's when he dropped a bomb on me. It turns out that I could've gotten the same policy for less money that I've got now (with a $2,000 deductible to reduce the payments) for less per month, with only a $500 deductible and more bells and whistles on it.
I'm seeing tiny objects in my freshly operated on eye, and I'm worried. I need sleep so bad and can't get it for feeling the stitch in my eye. I'm so miserable that I might lose my car today.
Friday Aug 15.
HUGE GASP OF RELIEF
I've been sweating bullets over the car, and they haven't called yet... so I called them. Hunting*** Bank is still working on getting approval, BUT, no one in the hundreds of people I've talked to there told me that without my knowing it, the lease on it had been extended until this whole appeal process had been resolved!!!!
I panicked when she told me that as long as I made a lease payment of $299.83 at my local bank branch on the 17th, that I was okay. Then I remembered that the 17th is on Sunday. She told me that I have a grace period for Saturdays and Sundays and not to panic.
I've dodged a bullet, though their gun's still pointed at my head. If push comes to shove, I can still keep the car till September 17th, or beyond.
They're trying to get me on a program where I'm leasing the car to own it, this'd mean continuing to pay $299.83 a month, but it'd get paid off sooner.
Now if I can only keep my paranoia down about something else major (and if you've been reading along, you know that's justified) happening, I'll be fine.
On another front, now that I'm taking the right prescriptions, my eye seems to be hurting less, though it's still cloudy. The worried Dr. Mind is supposed to call me today to be sure I haven't killed myself, so I can't go out and get my prescriptions till she calls, or she'll probably phone the cops to have them check on me..
Monday Aug 18th.
Today started out early. Considering that most nights I can't fall asleep before 5 or 6 in the morning, dragging myself out of bed in order to be on time at a doctor's office at 8:15AM is not fun. GB/Workman's comp makes me see one of their doctors every month or so in order to make sure we're still hurt enough to be out of work.
One look at my leg is usually enough.
The stitches in my eye are really bothering me and it's agony not to rub it. The workman's comp doctor told me he's leaving to go back to Honda, because his hours are too long at Ohio Health and he's 62. Seems like every time I really get to like someone they up and leave. Now they're bringing back the one that was there before. She's the one who started all my problems a year ago by saying I could go back to light duty work despite my leg and the difficulty I have dealing with strangers.
My prescriptions are beginning to run out, so I tried to make an appointment with the outpatient clinic, can't get one until Friday.
I came home around 10AM to find the phone ringing. The head lady at Hunting*** bank called to say the loan went through... not lease extension-loan!!! I was so overjoyed I forgot to ask what the payments would be. She said they'd be FedExing the papers to me and I'd have to sign them in front of a notary.
I fought for this so hard, convinced I'd never succeed and now I should be jumping up and down for joy, but I'm emotionally numb. My life has gotten to the point that I can't feel pride over such an accomplishment. I mean DAMN!!! After being turned down dozens of times by about twice as many lenders, for the first time in a long time I won... but I can't feel it.
She said I became famous in that office, everyone knew my story and that no one had ever fought so hard for a car loan like I had.
I drove up to National City and pulled $300 out of checking, then drove over to Hunting*** and made this month's payment on the lease, using the only thing I had with an account number on it, the collection notice that said I was delinquent with a $0.00 payment.
The motor on the box fan I keep in my bedroom burned out. I'm amazed it lasted so long. I can't sleep unless I have that sound in the room; it reminds me of growing up with the jets idling at the airport near our house at all hours of the day and night and soothes me to sleep. That fan's been running on medium nonstop for probably 3 years. I went to turn it to "high" and the switch gave out a loud pop and a spark in the dark and then electrical smoke filled the room.
I moved the fan I have in the den to the bedroom.
It's gnat season here in Ohio. It's nearly impossible to go outside and not walk through a cloud of them. I have a feeling it's time for my annual ritual of swatting them continuously until the end of September.
I got a notice saying I had to do a face-to-face meeting with a county caseworker in order to retain their help with my heart medical expenses, at 10:30AM this morning. 10AM went down to my car and it wouldn't let me in without setting off the alarm. Just a little peccadillo it has, someone in our apt building has a cell phone on the frequency that resets the codes on my car alarm. I sat in it for about five very long minutes waiting for it to reset, then I turned the key to the "on" position and hit a button under my dashboard and disarmed it.
Barely got there on time, then waited nearly an hour. She wanted all kinds of financial records that I'd already provided for another case worker the beginning of this year, so I just took my bank statements. Bad move, now I have to go on line and find utility bills I didn't keep because everything is auto-pay out directly of my checking account.
I got home and found the phone ringing. Ohio State eye clinic called to say they were trying to get a "work around" on the prescription that the county won't cover on my medical card, So I expect (as warned earlier) to be in agony over my eye, because it feels like I have a nail stuck in it due to the fact that the stitches they put in it take about two weeks or more to dissolve.
My Allstate insurance agent called to ask if I was going to renew my policy, and I told him I didn't know if I'd have a car by next week. That's when he dropped a bomb on me. It turns out that I could've gotten the same policy for less money that I've got now (with a $2,000 deductible to reduce the payments) for less per month, with only a $500 deductible and more bells and whistles on it.
I'm seeing tiny objects in my freshly operated on eye, and I'm worried. I need sleep so bad and can't get it for feeling the stitch in my eye. I'm so miserable that I might lose my car today.
Friday Aug 15.
HUGE GASP OF RELIEF
I've been sweating bullets over the car, and they haven't called yet... so I called them. Hunting*** Bank is still working on getting approval, BUT, no one in the hundreds of people I've talked to there told me that without my knowing it, the lease on it had been extended until this whole appeal process had been resolved!!!!
I panicked when she told me that as long as I made a lease payment of $299.83 at my local bank branch on the 17th, that I was okay. Then I remembered that the 17th is on Sunday. She told me that I have a grace period for Saturdays and Sundays and not to panic.
I've dodged a bullet, though their gun's still pointed at my head. If push comes to shove, I can still keep the car till September 17th, or beyond.
They're trying to get me on a program where I'm leasing the car to own it, this'd mean continuing to pay $299.83 a month, but it'd get paid off sooner.
Now if I can only keep my paranoia down about something else major (and if you've been reading along, you know that's justified) happening, I'll be fine.
On another front, now that I'm taking the right prescriptions, my eye seems to be hurting less, though it's still cloudy. The worried Dr. Mind is supposed to call me today to be sure I haven't killed myself, so I can't go out and get my prescriptions till she calls, or she'll probably phone the cops to have them check on me..
Monday Aug 18th.
Today started out early. Considering that most nights I can't fall asleep before 5 or 6 in the morning, dragging myself out of bed in order to be on time at a doctor's office at 8:15AM is not fun. GB/Workman's comp makes me see one of their doctors every month or so in order to make sure we're still hurt enough to be out of work.
One look at my leg is usually enough.
The stitches in my eye are really bothering me and it's agony not to rub it. The workman's comp doctor told me he's leaving to go back to Honda, because his hours are too long at Ohio Health and he's 62. Seems like every time I really get to like someone they up and leave. Now they're bringing back the one that was there before. She's the one who started all my problems a year ago by saying I could go back to light duty work despite my leg and the difficulty I have dealing with strangers.
My prescriptions are beginning to run out, so I tried to make an appointment with the outpatient clinic, can't get one until Friday.
I came home around 10AM to find the phone ringing. The head lady at Hunting*** bank called to say the loan went through... not lease extension-loan!!! I was so overjoyed I forgot to ask what the payments would be. She said they'd be FedExing the papers to me and I'd have to sign them in front of a notary.
I fought for this so hard, convinced I'd never succeed and now I should be jumping up and down for joy, but I'm emotionally numb. My life has gotten to the point that I can't feel pride over such an accomplishment. I mean DAMN!!! After being turned down dozens of times by about twice as many lenders, for the first time in a long time I won... but I can't feel it.
She said I became famous in that office, everyone knew my story and that no one had ever fought so hard for a car loan like I had.
I drove up to National City and pulled $300 out of checking, then drove over to Hunting*** and made this month's payment on the lease, using the only thing I had with an account number on it, the collection notice that said I was delinquent with a $0.00 payment.
The motor on the box fan I keep in my bedroom burned out. I'm amazed it lasted so long. I can't sleep unless I have that sound in the room; it reminds me of growing up with the jets idling at the airport near our house at all hours of the day and night and soothes me to sleep. That fan's been running on medium nonstop for probably 3 years. I went to turn it to "high" and the switch gave out a loud pop and a spark in the dark and then electrical smoke filled the room.
I moved the fan I have in the den to the bedroom.
It's gnat season here in Ohio. It's nearly impossible to go outside and not walk through a cloud of them. I have a feeling it's time for my annual ritual of swatting them continuously until the end of September.
Tuesday Aug 19th.
Spent the day at home waiting for FedEx but they didn't show.
I spent all day doing some cleaning and working on the graphics for the banners for my 5 websites. I kinda miss being a "hunk" back in the late 50s.
Thursday Aug 21st.
Depression symptoms are beginning to resurface-probably because I still haven't heard from Hunting*** about the car and I'm worried that someone must've overridden her decision to give me the loan.
It's getting to the point to where I can't stay awake more than a few hours at a time, and sometimes I sleep for 10 hours or more. All classic depression symptoms, but knowing that doesn't help. I didn't wake up until 2 this afternoon and I still have to sift through all my financial paperwork to get the info Medicaid wants, or get cut off from help with my prescription costs. I can't log on to Social Security to get my Medicaid records because my password won't work and I have to turn the damned stuff in tomorrow.
To add to the stress GB sent me a bunch of stuff they want for their records. My eyes are getting a little better, but I still have to blow up everything on my screen by 250%. To read my mail I need a magnifying glass. I'M TOO DAMNED YOUNG TO HAVE TO SUFFER THIS INDIGNITY. I tried to call Dr. Knee again today, and of course I got their voicemail. A lady called me back and said I've been lost in their files somewhere because the surgery was scheduled for Sept. last year, but I had the congestive heart failure in August and the heart attack Dec. 28th, and if you've been following along, you know what an ordeal that was...
Friday Aug 22nd.
I tried to gather the documentation needed for the appointment today, but still can't get my password to work at Social Security's website, so I can print out the stuff she needs. I called and was told I can get it printed out at the downtown office, then I can head over to Ohio Bell and do the same thing.
I saw my doctor to get some refills on prescriptions, and he insisted on doing a whole battery of blood tests and increased a few dosages. One, he explained (finally) that if I take too much, it effects my equilibrium-which explains why I kept falling over for no reason, when I started it.
Went to Wal-Mart to fill the new prescriptions and really enjoyed cruising around with the top down. It's amazing how few convertibles I see any more, and they're still insisting on complimenting me at intersections on my car. I came home to find the smell of burning plastic and immediately thought that the brand new fan burned out only a week after its predecessor-but that wasn't it. I don't fucking believe this, the little plug-in power converter box for my answering machine decided to get so hot that its case actually started melting and I burned my fingertips unplugging it.
It's getting harder and harder to find a reason to keep fighting-especially with the relentless little things going wrong.
Saturday Aug 23
Still nothing from Hunting*** Bank-They were supposed to send me my papers last Tuesday by overnight mail. Electric bill came today, I nearly fainted-it's so high because I keep forgetting to turn the home theater amp off when I'm done watching TV, now that that's the only way I can get sound out of the set.
I got the duplicate bill that they sent to the county for my eye surgery... it came to $22,000.00. The way things are going, they'll probably bill me half of it, then they'll take the car the moment it goes into my name (if it ever does)
Drove out to Wal-Mart and couldn't find a replacement answering machine. The lady says it's because everyone has voicemail nowadays.
I did my insulin but I don't have an appetite, and I know I'll pay for it if I don't eat, so I'll try to force something down later.
It's happening all over again. I'll sit on my bed for what seems like a minute or two and discover I've been there over an hour. I once drove almost to Indiana in one of those comas-thinking I'd been on the road a half an hour, now I'm afraid to do the one remaining thing in my life that gives me pleasure, driving.
I'm going to contact Hunting*** Bank again to see what's going on. I can't think straight, I can't sleep, I can't stay awake once I have slept. I can't...
Sunday Aug 24
There's that word in the banner above this website "ALONE". It taunts me and haunts me. In a little over three short years, I've gone from a successful artist, photographer, and businessman, to a cripple having to beg for help at every turn... and always alone. At first I blamed the loss of my friends as not having enough money or prestige to be worthy of them and I'd just wave goodbye at them in my head and brand them "fair weather friends."
In the space of today, I figured out that I've pushed everyone who means anything away because I didn't want them to see me like this, I didn't want them to see my repeated failures and the circumstances that repeatedly tear a little more self-confidence away from me. I didn't want them to see me begging for help, going to welfare and applying for food stamps. I didn't want them to see me gaining weight from the diabetes drugs, and because I didn't want to venture outside of my door.
I think I've figured out something today, while my chest got tighter and tighter and my eyes were burning... they didn't leave me, I pushed them away. My pride and ego didn't want to suffer the sorrow and sympathy in their eyes. After my sisters and brothers left in the early eighties, I found myself alone, only that time I stood up for myself and took my own destiny in my hands. The problem was, I didn't have any family to witness it.
None of them saw my rise to financial success, no one saw the body I worked so hard to perfect, and then let it go a year later when I didn't need to use it as a tool for success. I was popular because I succeeded, not because I was good looking.
But now it's torture every time I have to fill out another form to get help from people, it's agony to admit I can't afford this or that. With Hunting*** Bank not sending me the paperwork to keep my car, it means that soon the last symbol of my success will slip from my grasp.
I was right to not celebrate when I thought I would get the loan on the car and I'd get to keep it. It hurts so damned much to be afraid of every success, every triumph that comes my way, I can't experience joy over it, or brag about it to friends for fear of it falling apart before they get to see it... like the body I used to have, like the life I used to live, like the success I used to take for granted.
My friends didn't leave me, I shut them out because I didn't want them to see how much of a failure I'd become.
I was told in April of 2005 that I would walk again and I'd be able to take up where I left off, and I was dumb enough to brag that I'd beaten the odds... then three days later my ankle collapsed.
I was stupid to brag about the job the "Pizza Shop" gave me while I recovered at their headquarters, proud of the responsibility, proud of the huge office, the work I was doing, and proud to be productive... and then I fell at their front door, and everything I imagined my future would be vanished. They didn't want me around because if I fell again, they were afraid I'd sue them. Their security badge that let me in any time day or night, the pride of talking to people all over the country that depended on me to transfer data to them; all gone, like they never existed.
After I pulled myself together again, diabetes began taking my eyesight, my ability to create and my confidence in my own body. I suffered every time I sold something I cherished, like a two-bit bum on a street corner begging for help-I couldn't bear to let my friends see that, so I pushed what few I had left away out of shame.
A year ago Hunting*** Bank started sending me notices that they'd make me a great deal on buying my beloved Sebring Convertible. When the time came, the dealership signed the papers, shook my hand, took a thousand dollars' down payment and congratulated me. I was so damned stupid for letting myself feel proud or safe, I bragged that I averted another disaster, and at least I could keep my car. I was stupid enough to think I'd succeeded at something major, and was proud of every effort I had to force myself to do (even though I was convinced it was useless and it would fall apart somehow) and I told myself this is the time for you to see good things.
To prove it, I tore up all the lease return instructions on where to turn the car in, and worked on my budget to make sure I didn't miss a payment in gratitude. I'd show those who refused the loan, how stupid they were.
Two weeks later Chrysler pulled the rug out from under my feet. Hunting*** Bank made me three offers in one day to buy the car, I accepted each, then saw them withdrawn without warning.
I was just about to let go of the car, and let go of my frivolous hopes when Hunting*** called and said they'd be sending my papers to be notarized, and that the loan had been approved.
And I let go of all of my self-doubts and celebrated... but I haven't heard from them in over a week, despite three calls... they'd always promise to call back.
So here I sit alone at my desk... wondering whether I'm more afraid to die, or more afraid to live.
toss of a coin...
Monday August 25, 2008
I tried to call my caseworker to explain that I can't get ahold of GB to get my duplicate direct deposit check statements, but I was told that clients are no longer allowed to call their case workers directly, and she refused to leave a message after I explained the problem getting the check stubs. I explained that I have my bank statements showing the amounts deposited and the dates, but she said they won't accept bank statements as proof.
I called the city and they can't give me duplicate electric bills, but can print a statement of what amount they were and the payments I made. I also have to go up to social security and try to get duplicate checks that they directly deposited and something called an award letter, which they insist I get four times a year, but I don't.
The frustration is building inside me, and with my not being able to get ahold of the lady at Hunting*** Bank to find out why the papers didn't arrive, it's looking more hopeless than ever.
The physical aspects of depression will be my downfall, I sat down in front of this computer at 7AM, and I've just realized that it's 1:01PM. I doubt that I have enough time to get the electric or get the social security documents I need, but I've got to try, I called Dr. Mind's office and asked for a 3:30PM slot.
I finally gave up and called Hunting*** who bounced me over a bunch of departments, before someone in collections said the documents were sent out-get this-This morning. I've been sweating bullets thinking that the deal was off, only to find this out.
This can't be happening to me, this has to be a nightmare.
I drove out to Columbus' Utility Center out in buttfuckEgypt somewhere to get the four months utilities I needed for Medicaid. When she couldn't understand what I needed, I showed her the list I was given of things that needed to be turned in.
She looked puzzled and told me they didn't handle the phone bills, and I told her I just needed the electric bills. The caseworker said it over and over, she needed Feb, May, July and August utilities. The clerk pointed to the electric bills needed, and it said only... the one for August. the bill I'd just handed her to get the account number from.
Next I raced to my Shrink for a rare Monday appointment because she wouldn't be there Wednesday. She told me I'd have better luck at the Worthington Social security office and I wouldn't have to pay for parking, but I'd have to hurry or I'd get there after they closed at 4:30.
I broke nearly every traffic and/or speeding law to get there at 4:20... only to discover that a few months ago, they'd moved their office to the opposite end of town, and I had no hope of getting there in 10 minutes. I sat down in the grass and begged God to let me cry, but I can't so it stayed all pent up in me.
I had till 6PM to get to the Medicaid office to turn in my paperwork, or not be re certified to get financial help. I got there at 5:20PM and got into the line marked, documentation turn in ONLY. Just as I got to the front of the line, they closed the window and we all had to get in the back of the other line.
At 5:45 I got to the other window and asked if my caseworker was in her office, as there were a couple documents short, and I needed to talk to her.
Is Miss ***** still in her office?
Yes
Could I talk to her please?
Do you have an appointment?
No, I have to have my paperwork in by today and...
I can't tell her you're here, you'll have to call the number at the bottom of your phone...
That number gets me a secretary at a central location downtown, who informed me a few days ago that she'd have to e-mail my caseworker and have her call me at home...
I gave up, secure in the threat that they'd cut off my Medicaid because I couldn't get Social Security to just give me my password (or a hint) over the phone, it had to be mailed to me in 7-10 business days, and GB would only mail me the duplicate deposits in the same amount of time.
I got home and discovered another collection notice from Hunting*** Bank for the now 60 days past due bill in the amount of $0.00 with a late fee of $0.00. Because of how delinquent I was with the payment, their collection department would start making harassing calls to me again, and it would go on my credit record with them, effecting any further credit I'd request from them. I called the 800 number to try to straighten it out, but only got voice mails.
I slammed the phone down, screamed in frustration so loud my throat still hurts, and I may have broken my right hand pounding it on my desk. The jolts were so hard, a crystal angel that used to stand on my lotto tickets fell from the upper hutch and shattered on the desk.
Wednesday August 27, 2008
I got the car papers today. Good new and really good news! I actually got a major bank to loan me over $10,000 even though my car is worth $9,700, despite a bankruptcy only a year ago, despite hospital bills still pending on my credit report!!!
Now the really good news-going over the contracts they aren't asking for a down payment!!! That means the $1,500 I was holding for it, can go into a stash in case of some unforseen problem so I'll have five months of payments. Unfortunately it's one of those loans where if you over pay, you still have to make the regular payment the next month. The car's sticker price when I got it was around $28,000 new. When I'm done, I'll have only paid $30,000 for it! Nearly at cost!.
The powers that be, went in and converted my 5-year lease into a 9 year purchase, which means that despite my financial problems it's back-dated to the moment I took possession of the car.
I wish I could celebrat, but I've got one of my feelings will go wrong. It turns out that all those long distance calls to them were all here in Columbus. They even sent me a Fed-Ex prepaid envelope to mail the documents back to them.
With all the applications for medical bill help that got lost in the mail, I took no chances. I went to my local bank branch, and the assistant manager went over all the contracts to make sure all the t's were crossed and i's dotted, then offered to put the contracts in with his inter-office mail so it'd get there tonight.
A couple flies in the ointment though. I don't know if I'm the first or second owner. This is important because Chrysler may not transfer the 70,000 mile drive train warrantee over. I have to give up the license plates I just bought last month, because they're for a leased vehicle instead of an owned one, and I can't get credit for the unused portion and have to get all new plates.
I'm being cautiously happy.
Thursday August 28, 2008
I still haven't heard from the county about my medicaid card. If they don't accept my bank statements as proof of income, I could still be looking at losing most of my disability check to co-pays for Medicare, which Medicaid is paying. That means no help with my prescriptions.
I saw Dr. Knee yesterday. Pre-surgery exam is Sept. 11th, surgery is September 30th. He's going to use a different method. He's going to open up my right leg to scrape bone matter from it, then transfer it to my left leg above the knee. (I'm glad I won't be awake during it-but I know a few people that'd be jealous of the pain medications I'll be on.) He's going to put a metal plate in and instead of a cadeaver bone, my body will grow new bone around the transferred matter... I hope.
The god-damned nightmares are back, leaving me screaming at the top of my lungs when I wake up. Dr. Mind will be gone next week too.
Friday August 29, 2008
Now that nearly all of my transactions are by check/check card, I've got to work on a new financial spreadsheet. while doing it, I realized that I'd missed my follow-up eye appointment at OSU, so I called and made an appointment for Monday Sept 8th. I won't be able to afford it, if Medicaid cuts me off, but my eyes are degrading to where I can't read regular sized-print. The doctor says new glasses will help with that... I hope so.
I've discovered that I barely have any food left in the house. I've been so concerned about how much of a downpayment they might want, that I haven't even thought of going out grocery shopping. I'll head out tomorrow and get some salad stuff.
It's really getting to me that I won't let myself be happy. I keep thinking that if I brag about pulling off the car deal, it'll fall through. Jeez, no wonder I'm seeing a shrink.
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