July 1st
No matter which way I've turned, no matter what I've done in the last six years, it's only gotten worse; never better... The nightmares and flashbacks were intensifying and in my frustration and emotional exhaustion I finally gave up-in my mind it seemed I'd be better off in hell than trying to live in this one alone without a man to love or to love me.
I've been away under observation for a while and have been home for about a week.
I couldn't find a way to stop reaching back into the recent past and find the inner strength I used to have, trying to regrasp the freedom and good times. I hate that I don't look like I used to not out of vanity but out of loss of youthful attitude. I kept lingering on how all my friends have fled, in worse shape than I. and I feel like Job after everything's been taken away by the devil, but there's no promise from God that I'll recover no matter how much faith I try to have. Every time I think nothing more hope can be taken away, it is... and my sanity mostly
I'm still trying to assemble couple of weeks in my head, but I don't remember a lot of it. Over the last few days they've been calling every day and they've got me occupying myself by trying to get the e-store going again, though I don't know why. Anything I'd gain would be taken away by Social Security and it suddenly felt really useless.
I'll explain later
I had a lot of hope invested in Jet's Amazing Supply Store, but it still needs a lot of work, but it's open for business-the icon's at the top of the page-Everything's guaranteed by Amazon.com so don't worry. . I still have some "shelf stocking" to do, but it takes such intense mental concentration writing all of those descriptions and preparing stuff that it takes my mind away from the uselessness of it all.
more details when I can... if I can
Sunday the 11th
It’s funny; life’s one of the only things you can’t make it all the way through alive. That’s one of the weird things that occur to you when you stop being afraid to die.
Just because I stopped writing for a while doesn’t mean major disasters don’t keep happening to me.
~ One hurdle I survived was signing my 23rd lease. I was really worried they wouldn’t approve it after the debacle with the June check bouncing because GB fucked me over again. However to balance it out, it’s true… my landlord charged me an additional $50 this month because of it. With the bank fee for the overdraft, that they promised me they’d refund me, but of course didn’t, I’m out grocery money for the month-which means using the emergency money for food.
~ Columbus has the largest fireworks display in the Midwest, it’s called “Red White & Boom.” They have it on the 3rd so all the outlying suburbs can have theirs on the 4th. Friday the 2nd I got drowsy around 8PM for no apparent reason and went to bed early. I woke at 9:30 in terror to the sounds of loud gunshots and barricaded myself in the bathroom scared out of my mind and worried of my third (or is it fourth) heart attack.
They’d moved the fireworks to the 2nd because it was a Friday and I only live four blocks from where they’re set off here downtown. I’ve been having flashbacks and nightmares almost every night since and mostly stay awake until I’m too exhausted to keep my eyes open. Most people think of the day before they slept as “yesterday.” I don’t have that luxury anymore. Sometimes I don’t sleep for 24 hours, sometimes twice in the same day so I have to look at my computer to see what day it is. I jump at shadows and noises. It was so bad that I begged off physical therapy last Thursday because I couldn’t leave the apartment.
~ The problem I’ve mentioned before about the mysterious double and unmatching electric bills has finally resolved itself with disastrous results. Since I live downtown in the business district, the City controls the electric. Last year they consolidated the Electric and Water department’s billing and it caused a disaster for all involved. The electric meter is being read on the 15th and the water department computer sends the bill out by mail due between the 19th and 20th, because that’s when the water’s due. So almost everyone is at least a month overdue on their bills.
The electric clerks not knowing this would tell us to disregard the first bill in favor of the second thinking it was sent out in error. Now comes the mess. My billing was finally restored in March after the meter disaster last year and I immediately got a $66.65 bill days after the meter was fixed. I called to find out what was going on and she said it was an error and to wait to be billed for next month… which I did. Sure enough my April bill was around $95 and I paid it. May came with two bills with two different amounts, I called to ask what my current bill was and what she said didn’t match either of the two bills nor the amount on line. I called back a few days later and it was still that same amount, so I paid that. June came along and I got one bill and two days later another… the 2nd was a red shut-off notice????? It turns out the ultimate computer sends out one current bill and another if it’s past due! Even though I was current on my payments, I was still being shut off because I was 90 days past due on my March bill. The notice said I had until July 7th to pay them $66.65 or it’d be shut off without notice and they didn’t care if I’d paid March, April and May on time. So I sent them an electronic check. Now they’re telling me I owe them for June (I could afford one, but not both) and I have until the 14th to come up with $98+. I’ve grown an ulcer worrying if my power was going to be shut off over the weekend because billing and the meter guys are in two different departments.
~ I’ve been working night and day to get “Jet’s Amazing Supply Store” going, and after three weeks’ work I had something that was taking shape that I could be proud of… then it hit me that anything I make will be deducted from my disability check, so I’ve done all that for nothing-absofuckingly nothing. I just finally came to the realization that no matter how hard I work at it, anything I dream about will be taken away somehow. My hope for the future died. The only thing I have to look forward to is wondering how I’ll survive the next blindside that I didn’t see coming… so I just gave up out of emotional exhaustion
That’s when I started swallowing pills and shooting insulin… a lot of it.
From what I’m told, a neighbor heard me moaning and called the police and took me to the hospital, then I spent some time in a private room with people asking me all kinds of questions. When they were satisfied, I came home. They still call occasionally to check up on me.
I’m using the rest of my 18 or so Eisenhower silver dollars to buy groceries tomorrow for two weeks.
~ The blood sugar problem is getting worse and they say it’s the mental “fight or flight” mechanism in my body. To combat it I’ve been taking more and more insulin and it’s having less and less effect. I’m down to so few syringes, that I reuse them so much that I’m wearing the dosage gradients off of the sides before I throw them away. Messes like the above seem to hit me without warning and I’m on guard for any imagined disaster at all times to the point where my nerves are fried. I sweat bullets worrying about whether my next GB check is going to come or not, and I’ve got the same financial problems that I had before I tried to off myself.
I’m going to try to talk Columbus into not shutting off my power tomorrow (Monday), but the next check has to go towards the car payment and the phone. I want to cry out in frustration often. I sit here wondering if my car will be taken away because of a missed or bounced check, will the power be unexpectantly turned off spoiling all the food I have, destroying what little insulin I have and making it incredibly hot here. I live on the top floor, so all the air-conditioning heat and humidity from the apartments below would be sucked right in my windows. In the winter that’s an advantage and in the summer it’s a man-made greenhouse for my balcony plants, but without A/C it’ll be hell. Will I ever keep the imaginary devil(s) from my doorstep and will my mind survive this?
I’ve seriously thought of calling myself Vernon again and dropping my lifelong nickname of “Jet”. The rich, generous, take a vacation on a whim, happy-go-lucky “Jet” has died and I can’t resurrect him. I shave in the shower because I don’t recognize the tired and depressed face in the mirror anymore and it fucking hurts so bad I can hardly stand it.
~ For about the last week or so, I’ve been having trouble walking around. I lose my equilibrium and fall sideways and have to brace myself on a wall or a counter. I feel hot to the point of having to have a box fan pointed at me at all times, no matter how low I set the A/C.
I drove up to Wal-Mart to get some cheap food last week and almost ran out of gas on the way there, then completely forgot to deduct the $20 out of the food budget and sweated bullets all the way home thinking I’d just bounced a check at Wal-Mart. Fortunately I somehow still have $1.98 in checking.
Unfortunately I have $1.98 in checking.
~Yesterday my printer died. I snapped a new printer cartridge into it, and the belt that runs the print head back and forth either broke or the head came off of it. I felt a rage coming on and barely kept myself from throwing it across the room in frustration. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try to take it apart and fix it… if it’s fixable. God help me if the nearly seven-year-old computer dies, because I’ll never be able to replace it.
I’m so alone and so lonely and I honestly can’t find a reason or the strength to fight on. The five-year absence of loving myself, and being loved is withering my sanity. Even If I can get myself together mentally, there are no jobs out there to look forward to. I’m sure’s hell not going to get rich getting pennies on the dollar selling Amazon shit, but it’s the last hope I have and frankly I’m proud at having succeeded in creating a whole store from nothing.
Jobs & Family services sent me a letter yesterday outlining my benefits. They haven’t helped me since last August, but they have to keep sending me letters to rub it in.
(sigh)
Monday the 26th
The following was NOT a dream.
I was sitting at my desk working on my on-line store yesterday afternoon when someone tapped on my door. After all I’ve been through I couldn’t determine if it was real, a flashback, or a “daymare” and stayed silent. I got really worried when Mischief came in from the livingroom to the den and looked at me, then at the door. Then to my shock the sound of the door starting to open nearly through me into serious panic. Mischief meowed and I jumped up to find the door four inches open and someone on the other side pushing against the mini grocery cart and bag of garbage I had on the other side of it. I hurled myself at the door and yelled “WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?” slamming it shut and locking it.
It was Teresa
I’d caught her hand in the door and had hurt her.
I haven’t seen or heard from her in six months or more. She has a key to the apartment so she can take care of Mischief when I’m in the hospital. It turns out that Aunt Margaret and Betsy had been trying to get in touch with me since last Friday and couldn’t get through because Mischief had played with the phone cord in the bedroom and knocked the receiver off the hook. Concerned, they both called Teresa at work from Pittsburgh and Oregon and asked her to check on me.
I told her how the last two weeks had been really rough with the near suicide attempt and the shut-off notice etc. She told me that with the school levy in her area, her house payment had gone up higher than she could afford and that she might go into foreclosure and because of that she was working 7 days a week.
She chastised me for ever thinking I could lose her as a friend. She said she’d received the text message but it got lost when her phone was broken. It felt so good to reconnect with a friend and actually laugh for a change. Also I’m kind of broken hearted that I financially can’t help her save her house. 6 years ago I’d have written her a check for $20,000 without even batting an eye.
Thank God for here, I’d almost forgotten what it was like to laugh with a friend.
-----
I’ve discovered a way to edit the CSS of my store to allow the sidebar menu to stay in view in all modes and a way to put up a custom larger picture instead of just a logo… so I have to start all over again writing html code… ugh.
It’s been so hot in the upper nineties and hundreds outside. I got an electric bill for over $200 in the mail today. Disaster just won’t leave me alone.
I’ve been trying to call and text Betsy in Oregon all morning and can’t get through to her cell. I’ve called her home number and it’s been disconnected.
Now what?
No matter which way I've turned, no matter what I've done in the last six years, it's only gotten worse; never better... The nightmares and flashbacks were intensifying and in my frustration and emotional exhaustion I finally gave up-in my mind it seemed I'd be better off in hell than trying to live in this one alone without a man to love or to love me.
I've been away under observation for a while and have been home for about a week.
I couldn't find a way to stop reaching back into the recent past and find the inner strength I used to have, trying to regrasp the freedom and good times. I hate that I don't look like I used to not out of vanity but out of loss of youthful attitude. I kept lingering on how all my friends have fled, in worse shape than I. and I feel like Job after everything's been taken away by the devil, but there's no promise from God that I'll recover no matter how much faith I try to have. Every time I think nothing more hope can be taken away, it is... and my sanity mostly
I'm still trying to assemble couple of weeks in my head, but I don't remember a lot of it. Over the last few days they've been calling every day and they've got me occupying myself by trying to get the e-store going again, though I don't know why. Anything I'd gain would be taken away by Social Security and it suddenly felt really useless.
I'll explain later
I had a lot of hope invested in Jet's Amazing Supply Store, but it still needs a lot of work, but it's open for business-the icon's at the top of the page-Everything's guaranteed by Amazon.com so don't worry. . I still have some "shelf stocking" to do, but it takes such intense mental concentration writing all of those descriptions and preparing stuff that it takes my mind away from the uselessness of it all.
more details when I can... if I can
Sunday the 11th
It’s funny; life’s one of the only things you can’t make it all the way through alive. That’s one of the weird things that occur to you when you stop being afraid to die.
Just because I stopped writing for a while doesn’t mean major disasters don’t keep happening to me.
~ One hurdle I survived was signing my 23rd lease. I was really worried they wouldn’t approve it after the debacle with the June check bouncing because GB fucked me over again. However to balance it out, it’s true… my landlord charged me an additional $50 this month because of it. With the bank fee for the overdraft, that they promised me they’d refund me, but of course didn’t, I’m out grocery money for the month-which means using the emergency money for food.
~ Columbus has the largest fireworks display in the Midwest, it’s called “Red White & Boom.” They have it on the 3rd so all the outlying suburbs can have theirs on the 4th. Friday the 2nd I got drowsy around 8PM for no apparent reason and went to bed early. I woke at 9:30 in terror to the sounds of loud gunshots and barricaded myself in the bathroom scared out of my mind and worried of my third (or is it fourth) heart attack.
They’d moved the fireworks to the 2nd because it was a Friday and I only live four blocks from where they’re set off here downtown. I’ve been having flashbacks and nightmares almost every night since and mostly stay awake until I’m too exhausted to keep my eyes open. Most people think of the day before they slept as “yesterday.” I don’t have that luxury anymore. Sometimes I don’t sleep for 24 hours, sometimes twice in the same day so I have to look at my computer to see what day it is. I jump at shadows and noises. It was so bad that I begged off physical therapy last Thursday because I couldn’t leave the apartment.
~ The problem I’ve mentioned before about the mysterious double and unmatching electric bills has finally resolved itself with disastrous results. Since I live downtown in the business district, the City controls the electric. Last year they consolidated the Electric and Water department’s billing and it caused a disaster for all involved. The electric meter is being read on the 15th and the water department computer sends the bill out by mail due between the 19th and 20th, because that’s when the water’s due. So almost everyone is at least a month overdue on their bills.
The electric clerks not knowing this would tell us to disregard the first bill in favor of the second thinking it was sent out in error. Now comes the mess. My billing was finally restored in March after the meter disaster last year and I immediately got a $66.65 bill days after the meter was fixed. I called to find out what was going on and she said it was an error and to wait to be billed for next month… which I did. Sure enough my April bill was around $95 and I paid it. May came with two bills with two different amounts, I called to ask what my current bill was and what she said didn’t match either of the two bills nor the amount on line. I called back a few days later and it was still that same amount, so I paid that. June came along and I got one bill and two days later another… the 2nd was a red shut-off notice????? It turns out the ultimate computer sends out one current bill and another if it’s past due! Even though I was current on my payments, I was still being shut off because I was 90 days past due on my March bill. The notice said I had until July 7th to pay them $66.65 or it’d be shut off without notice and they didn’t care if I’d paid March, April and May on time. So I sent them an electronic check. Now they’re telling me I owe them for June (I could afford one, but not both) and I have until the 14th to come up with $98+. I’ve grown an ulcer worrying if my power was going to be shut off over the weekend because billing and the meter guys are in two different departments.
~ I’ve been working night and day to get “Jet’s Amazing Supply Store” going, and after three weeks’ work I had something that was taking shape that I could be proud of… then it hit me that anything I make will be deducted from my disability check, so I’ve done all that for nothing-absofuckingly nothing. I just finally came to the realization that no matter how hard I work at it, anything I dream about will be taken away somehow. My hope for the future died. The only thing I have to look forward to is wondering how I’ll survive the next blindside that I didn’t see coming… so I just gave up out of emotional exhaustion
That’s when I started swallowing pills and shooting insulin… a lot of it.
From what I’m told, a neighbor heard me moaning and called the police and took me to the hospital, then I spent some time in a private room with people asking me all kinds of questions. When they were satisfied, I came home. They still call occasionally to check up on me.
I’m using the rest of my 18 or so Eisenhower silver dollars to buy groceries tomorrow for two weeks.
~ The blood sugar problem is getting worse and they say it’s the mental “fight or flight” mechanism in my body. To combat it I’ve been taking more and more insulin and it’s having less and less effect. I’m down to so few syringes, that I reuse them so much that I’m wearing the dosage gradients off of the sides before I throw them away. Messes like the above seem to hit me without warning and I’m on guard for any imagined disaster at all times to the point where my nerves are fried. I sweat bullets worrying about whether my next GB check is going to come or not, and I’ve got the same financial problems that I had before I tried to off myself.
I’m going to try to talk Columbus into not shutting off my power tomorrow (Monday), but the next check has to go towards the car payment and the phone. I want to cry out in frustration often. I sit here wondering if my car will be taken away because of a missed or bounced check, will the power be unexpectantly turned off spoiling all the food I have, destroying what little insulin I have and making it incredibly hot here. I live on the top floor, so all the air-conditioning heat and humidity from the apartments below would be sucked right in my windows. In the winter that’s an advantage and in the summer it’s a man-made greenhouse for my balcony plants, but without A/C it’ll be hell. Will I ever keep the imaginary devil(s) from my doorstep and will my mind survive this?
I’ve seriously thought of calling myself Vernon again and dropping my lifelong nickname of “Jet”. The rich, generous, take a vacation on a whim, happy-go-lucky “Jet” has died and I can’t resurrect him. I shave in the shower because I don’t recognize the tired and depressed face in the mirror anymore and it fucking hurts so bad I can hardly stand it.
~ For about the last week or so, I’ve been having trouble walking around. I lose my equilibrium and fall sideways and have to brace myself on a wall or a counter. I feel hot to the point of having to have a box fan pointed at me at all times, no matter how low I set the A/C.
I drove up to Wal-Mart to get some cheap food last week and almost ran out of gas on the way there, then completely forgot to deduct the $20 out of the food budget and sweated bullets all the way home thinking I’d just bounced a check at Wal-Mart. Fortunately I somehow still have $1.98 in checking.
Unfortunately I have $1.98 in checking.
~Yesterday my printer died. I snapped a new printer cartridge into it, and the belt that runs the print head back and forth either broke or the head came off of it. I felt a rage coming on and barely kept myself from throwing it across the room in frustration. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try to take it apart and fix it… if it’s fixable. God help me if the nearly seven-year-old computer dies, because I’ll never be able to replace it.
I’m so alone and so lonely and I honestly can’t find a reason or the strength to fight on. The five-year absence of loving myself, and being loved is withering my sanity. Even If I can get myself together mentally, there are no jobs out there to look forward to. I’m sure’s hell not going to get rich getting pennies on the dollar selling Amazon shit, but it’s the last hope I have and frankly I’m proud at having succeeded in creating a whole store from nothing.
Jobs & Family services sent me a letter yesterday outlining my benefits. They haven’t helped me since last August, but they have to keep sending me letters to rub it in.
(sigh)
Monday the 26th
The following was NOT a dream.
I was sitting at my desk working on my on-line store yesterday afternoon when someone tapped on my door. After all I’ve been through I couldn’t determine if it was real, a flashback, or a “daymare” and stayed silent. I got really worried when Mischief came in from the livingroom to the den and looked at me, then at the door. Then to my shock the sound of the door starting to open nearly through me into serious panic. Mischief meowed and I jumped up to find the door four inches open and someone on the other side pushing against the mini grocery cart and bag of garbage I had on the other side of it. I hurled myself at the door and yelled “WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?” slamming it shut and locking it.
It was Teresa
I’d caught her hand in the door and had hurt her.
I haven’t seen or heard from her in six months or more. She has a key to the apartment so she can take care of Mischief when I’m in the hospital. It turns out that Aunt Margaret and Betsy had been trying to get in touch with me since last Friday and couldn’t get through because Mischief had played with the phone cord in the bedroom and knocked the receiver off the hook. Concerned, they both called Teresa at work from Pittsburgh and Oregon and asked her to check on me.
I told her how the last two weeks had been really rough with the near suicide attempt and the shut-off notice etc. She told me that with the school levy in her area, her house payment had gone up higher than she could afford and that she might go into foreclosure and because of that she was working 7 days a week.
She chastised me for ever thinking I could lose her as a friend. She said she’d received the text message but it got lost when her phone was broken. It felt so good to reconnect with a friend and actually laugh for a change. Also I’m kind of broken hearted that I financially can’t help her save her house. 6 years ago I’d have written her a check for $20,000 without even batting an eye.
Thank God for here, I’d almost forgotten what it was like to laugh with a friend.
-----
I’ve discovered a way to edit the CSS of my store to allow the sidebar menu to stay in view in all modes and a way to put up a custom larger picture instead of just a logo… so I have to start all over again writing html code… ugh.
It’s been so hot in the upper nineties and hundreds outside. I got an electric bill for over $200 in the mail today. Disaster just won’t leave me alone.
I’ve been trying to call and text Betsy in Oregon all morning and can’t get through to her cell. I’ve called her home number and it’s been disconnected.
Now what?
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